I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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