my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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