I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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