dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
