I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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