i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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