The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
