he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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