the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
