and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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