the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
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Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My dick has a subreddit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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