All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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