I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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