well I can't set my house on fire every night
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
