you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
