No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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