My liver just broke up with me...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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