WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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