I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
