I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
