Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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