My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
