Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
