Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i think i just lost a toe
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
