he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How does one acquire holy water?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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