i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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