I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
