Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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