A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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