She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
