Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
