I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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