shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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