If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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