The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
