I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
