Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
