why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this is an emotional support booty call
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
