Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
