we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
