Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
