It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
