I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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