I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
