you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
