He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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