drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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