ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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