My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
