He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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