Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
