id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
