I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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