matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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