I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
