I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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